A Quick Lesson in Grammar
Lying is when you told me you don’t have a lover.
Laying takes a subject and object, and can be sexual:
Your lover laid you while you lay in his bed, lying to me.
In this case, he is the subject and you are the object.
Either way, you got laid.
Which is slightly different than what happened in
our matrimonial bed, where I was often lying awake,
waiting for your late returns, while wondering
if you were in an accident
and lay bleeding on the freeway.
Sometimes, people say they were laying on the beach,
which is wrong, unless they were having sex on the beach,
which is also a fruity drink ordered in bars. This is true.
I wouldn’t lie to you.
But most people merely lie on the beach, which I believe
you did with him several times.
Please tell me you didn’t lay him on the beach, because
while we often lay on the beach, we never laid on the beach.
Which I regret.
Speaking of regrets,
I wish––which means now we’re in the subjunctive––
you would have lied to me your whole life,
so you could have lain with me for eternity.
Or at least until death.
Eric Parker was born and raised in California. He now lives in Tuscaloosa, AL, teaching English at the University of Alabama. His nonfiction can be found in New South and Boneshaker: A Bicycling Almanac. You can also read his blogs, Feeding the Rich and The Kingdom of Eric Parker, both of which need to be updated by their lazy author.